i wish god were alive to see this

I Heard Her Call My Name.

This girl , this KID , wanted desperately to get into the Vine Bar last night. Already drunk , she pleaded with Rene for hours. She tried every angle but Rene told her , "I'm sorry , but 15 year olds cannot come in." At some point I let her know that Rene and I had been best friends for 18 years , and then Rene told her that we had actually been boyfriends for 18 years. She stood stunned and pondering this for a minute and then uttered the quote of the week.
"Wow! That's 18 years of buttfucking!"

Dan Monick , road dog.

Frankie Chan , dirtyplayer.

Hey , it's New Years Eve. I will be at the Little Radio party downtown , but mostly at the Cha Cha. Come see me , come see me.

Reckless Encourager Of Young People.

On my last night on the Island , BBQing for ten , to ensure that there was no shortage of love grilled into the food , I made a charcoal heart on the grill. All guests squealed with delight over the final product. Natures invisible and perfect spice!

In the morning I was gone.

High in the sky and headed home , to my extended family. Ready to land and to move and to start fresh. All positive and bright.

I have the highest hopes for 2006. 2005 was filled with plenty of neccesary lessons and learning , and now I will take all this new information into the New Year , and leave the past behind.

New Years Eve. Say goodbye and lets burn it all down.

Canadian Tuxedo.

My Top Ten is going to go to Antony and the Johnsons. All ten spots.
'I Am A Bird Now' sweeps it all , and 'Fistful of Love' from that record is song of the year.

Honorable mentions go to Silver Jews , Earth , Love As Laughter , Animal Collective , Dutch Dub and ice cream. The food.

Band Of Outsiders.

'Triumph Of Lethargy Skinned Alive To Death' playing on the sidewalk in 45 degree weather. EPIC.

Last night was an impromptu and awesome 'Class of 98ish' reunion on Pine Street. A good 80% of all the old pals were here for the holidays. The Cha Cha was like a time warp. It was so , so great to see everyone.

Some are coming over today. Riding the boat to the island. It's my last night.

Pat and Leslie were without Baby for the first time in months. They were both drunk within minutes. Like werewolves , from parental shut-ins to howling street people in under an hour.

The great Sam Jayne. He is moving back to Washington. So is Spencer. It seems there is a small exodus returning to the great state.

Gabe Kerbrat , still drinking out of brown paper bags on the street. Sparks!

We left the bar and went to Dicks. Three bags of drunken burgers later Nick and I wandered the empty ferry while Pat and Les slept in the car. We were home at 2 , and Gus was up at 4..

Good good lucky people.

"I've Made A Huge Mistake"

Tonight it's all old friends at the Bus Stop. Spencer Moody , Dann Gallucci , Max G , Sam Jayne , Phil Ek and who knows what else..Triumph Of Lethargy Skinned Alive To Death..Surely it will be a twister.

Took Gus for a 3 mile walk , passed out on the couch watching Casablanca , turned my Dad into an 'Arrested Development' fan.

Happy Boxing Day.

Will You Love Me When I Thaw Out?

Xmas day. Baby Gus got no less than 40 gifts , and so far he seems to like chewing on his Gumby the most.

He was also deeply feeling his 'Robin Hood' hat. See those two dollies behind him? Those were given to me by my Mom and Brother.

After breakfast the entire Dewitt family gathered round the TV to watch the Ramones documentary , and then , Bad Santa.

I've Got A Feeling This Year's For Me And You.

And The Seas Opened Up To Me.

Natalie with the giant donut in Poulsbo , Washington.

I wound up taking the ferry on foot and walking the 3-4 miles to the AA meeting alone in the rain with my beloved ipod. It was a truly epic EPIC walk and I was just walking through one former nightmare after another. It felt like the year was over and complete and I was happy to have it all behind me. I was dripping , soaking wet and felt overwhelmed with gratitude and inspiration. One of the top 5 moments of the year , for sure.

After my hour in the church basement I met up with old friend Max G. and his new GF for dinner. We all ate little fishies and it was great to see him and catch up. His hand tattoos are my favorite.

Safe to say , Max will not be getting a job at a bank anytime soon.

It was time to go see the Big Business show , I walked over , alone , in the rain again. I got as far as the entrance when I turned around and walked back to the ferry terminal. I already had the perfect night. Why fuck it up?

In 3 hours my little nephew will be here.

All We Ever Wanted Was Everything.

The one and only Natalie Haddad arrived last night. She and I are taking the Ferry into town to see Big Business tonight.

Give me your worst , Seattle. I am ready for it.

When Our Love Passed Out On The Couch.

I got up at 7am. Total midnight darkness. After breakfast I went down to the workshop to carve a sign , nay , a MARQUEE , for the trail that mine own mother cut into the forest.

Named of course for Baby Gus , the pride of the family. He now has seven teeth. Seven REAL teeth. More than me..More than Dad.

I chopped wood for three hours. My firewood stack is a towering thing of beauty. My hands are filthy. I am covered in wool and there is an endless stream of Earl Grey being guzzled.

My brother just called my Mom a bitch. It was over a Scrabble argument.

You Can Have It All.

Derek 'Space Window' Fudesco on the corner of Pine and Boylston , sight of countless adventures.

"Today is a day of action!"

Today is all about wood chopping. Dad says we need '8 cords' , which is , I am pretty sure , impossible. Also reading 'Tropic Of Capricorn' , which is turning out to be the beginning of my Henry Miller kick.

Meet Me Here At Dawn.

Frisko Freeze is the Tacoma burger stand where Leslie Napoles , my sister in law , gave in to meat eating after 8 years vegetarian. By morning she was eating bacon sandwiches and has never looked back. That was 7 years ago.

Tacoma , Olympia , Seattle! So many good record stores in one day. I covered everything from Poison Idea to France Gall. Holy Crap.

Nick stayed in town for a Votalato birthday party. If you ever get the chance to ride a ferry boat alone at night in the rain , I highly recommend it. It feels like outerspace. I am considering just riding back and forth, forever. Maybe just all day..

I am supposed to be writing my dreams down and emailing them to Martin Malles. I have paper and pen ready at the bed side , but am suffering from some kind of 'memory performance anxiety'. I am cosidering just making them up.

"I dreamt I could breathe underwater."

Just Slip Out The Back Jack.

So long sun. Total black metal forest of darkness morning. Ferried into town with Dad and beat our Xmas lists to a pulp. How I love the sights and sounds of this wet city.

I can't be sure what the person who did this was thinking.

"You gonna stick me with that fork?"

I tricked my Dad into going to breakfast at a vegetarian restaurant. He refused to try anything made with tofu or soy , and wondered quite loudly whether or not we would have to chant or pray or whatever it is that goes on in places like these.

My favorite holiday star.

Not fade away.

Go Tell It On The Mountain.

The sun coming up over the front yard.

Today marks my Grandparents , Daphne and Ainsley Dagg , 62nd wedding anniversary. My own Mother and Father are at 33 years which Mom called a "trying and arduous time that grows harder each year as your Father slips further and further away mentally." She then laughed for five full minutes while Dad howled from the other room about being unable to "make the TV work".

What is it about swinging an axe that is so invigorating and delightful anyway?

In Heaven There Is No Heat.

I woke up early and got an the plane , where I made a marvelous discovery.

You see , I'm a little bit behind the times , and a little stubborn to try out new technology. So when Apple and Anton gave me an ipod I was skeptical. Still , last night I loaded it with all manner of whining and moaning obscurities.

Oh my god. It changed my life. I can walk around and be completely isolated. I mean , I am more interested in closing up and keeping THEM out than ever , and all day long that dream came true.

The voices in my head have been silenced. So were the people on the plane , and the ferry..The possibilities are endless.

Apple and Anton have rocketed me into the future. I salute them.

High Friends In Places.

Do not be decieved by the scowl. Laura Walden is a nice lady. She has a knack for knowing exactly what I need come gift giving time , and this year was no exception. I thought I had her trumped with the see-thru snake in the jar , but then she handed me a framed picture of a transvestite Santa from the 50's and an old penguin Weeble Wobble. Holy crap! She wins!

Wandering around the Xmas party at the Shrine. I am platonically in love with these dudes. Not the drunk midget.

We watched drunk Santa torment Annie , avoided small talk and then headed back to Renes' where he and Ingo presented me with a gift that keeps on giving. I am now the proud owner of a brand new 'Weber One Touch' barbeque.

My good fortune continues!

How Many More Years I Got To Let You Dog Me Around?

The first sex scene in Brokeback Mountain shut all gigglers down and left the theater in a stunned silence. What an awesome movie! Unfulfilled love and the proper use of spit.

Tonight it's Giant Drag , and then home to pack. Seattle in the morning for two glorious weeks of rain and holiday pound collecting.

Every New Morning.

A girl i've known for five years , she has struggled to get sober the whole time. An endless string of rehabs and doctors and crack and heroin and meetings. I have close friends who have been tireless in their attempts to help her and to make her feel loved. She is on life support today , brain dead. They are saying she is not going to make it. This scenario is too common , and because i've seen it so many times today I will continue to do what the BIG PICTURE obviously demands. I will make sure , everyday , to let my friends know that I love them , and always will.

At Last!

With five teeth and a growing interest in chewing , it seems only right and natural for the Baby to have a churro.

His eyes glaze over in bliss.

A monster is born!

That's Some Handsome Going On.

Sage and Sweet Pea at the Cha Cha xmas party. I am in love with them. Sage did a painting for my Dad , and apparently Sweet Pea was in jail in Buffalo with my Dad a few years ago.

Losing The Battle , You're Losing The War.

Last week Sage built a people sized birdhouse out of trash. What the hell did you do?

You Will Not Die Tonight.

Do Not Feed The Bears!

The 5 between LA and SF is a miserable and boring stretch of road. The only thing to look forward to is the 'mile of cows' at about the half way point , and that's only sad and smelly. Luckily for me , hyperactive youngster Anthony Anzalone brought along a number of funny costumes to suprise me with. It goes a little something like this-

"Hey Dad."

"Look at me Dad. I'm a vampire!"

"Oh Dad! I can' breathe!"

A real laugh riot! He needs to work on his co-pilot skills though. His directions are for shit and if you aren't listening to screaming japanese crust he whines.

Walking into the Eagle Tavern was intense. It's always jarring to see so many 275 pound middle aged men aggressively making out. The kid seemed nervous and whispered "Are you going to look out for me?"

These pictures do the show no justice. Total gay mayhem. GAYHEM! A packed sea of affectionate , violent testosterone. Pinball machines were getting knocked over! Sweaty leather vests sailed through the air!

Limpwrist really were incredible. I even saw Gary Floyd from the Dicks there. Like woah dude. Gary Floyd is a legend!

Bears and leather daddys are having more fun on a single Thursday night than YOU probably will in a whole year. Seriously. We could ALL learn something about the big picture from them.

Thank you , Gays.

Did You See Me When I Melted Down?

We went out tonight. To a bar. Its been like 5 months since i've done something as silly as hang around at a bar. I am SO sick of sitting in my house though..Time to drown in the holiday social!

Tomorrow morning Anthony and I drive up to San Francisco for the Limpwrist show. On paper , a 32 year old man with a beard taking a hairless 18 year old boy to a gay hardcore show sounds pretty creepy!

My friends rallied around me for a minute tonight and told me it was time to stop feeling bad. They are sick of it. My Mom is sending me self help books in the mail. Ah well , i'm with them. I want more.

More than to sit around worrying about something that isn't there. Wondering and worrying! Enough!!

I Saw Gods Shadow On This World.

Last night we saw 'The Taking Of Pelham 123' and they just don't make em like that no more.

AND I bought a 1988 Chevy Caprice undercover cop car. It was purchased at a police auction and then sold to me for 500 bucks. It's super tough.

Call me for rides. I will be giving them all week.

Or call me for a place to stay. See Camille and Anthony? They have pretty much moved in and destroyed my peaceful home already , so what difference will a few more make? Besides , if I don't stay busy I might implode.

New Life.

Blackies new friend is a little much for me , both in personality and style.

My Lady Story.

This weekend went on forever.

The internet was on the fritz.

And so was my pea brain.

Little Hands , Big Heart.

Annie Hardy , packing for Portland.

My Dad just called and told me I had to "stop being depressed or else!". He was driving 95 mph through Redding , Ca. and threatening to buy himself a new Dodge Charger , which if he did , would surely be the firey death of him!

This Is Our Music.

Yes it's been three days. What do you want from me? I am depressed and only want to watch the Sopranos and listen to the Jeffrey Novak One Man Band record..

BUT-

I am going to SF to see Limpwrist play at a 'Bear Bar'.

I have the best friends in the world.

I am buying a car tomorrow.

I just paid rent on this place for the last time.

I will be in the woods in Washington for two weeks soon.

Life will eventually be sweet again. I think.