i wish god were alive to see this

You Dropped The Bomb On Me...BABY!

There he is! A free man! Out of jail! Bearded and sleepy , Blackie was released from the Twin Towers yesterday. Whether or not he will return only time will tell. I took him to breakfast where he ordered the salmon scramble with caviar , I shit you not! He ate everything on the plate in about two minutes and then gossiped about Gary Glitter who was apparently caught 'making love' to twelve year old boys in Vietnam and is now facing a FIRING SQUAD , and about the greatness of the Gap Band , whose bass player was Blackies cellmate in stir.

WOW!

Arlie and Hanson and I are 25 hours into the Sopranos series and not only is it intensely entertaining and worth our time it is also taking my mind off of the things I am so so sick of thinking and talking about , like the lonliness I wear like a wet floor length mink coat.

Holy Crap.

Throw Your Pride In The Ocean And Lets Live.

Crewed up and went to the New Beverly to see 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom' last night. Dan Monick brought his Cheeseburger into the theater via his PANTS POCKET.

Our boy on the inside , Blackie Onassis , is being released from Jail today at 5:30 PST. After three weeks in the can what tales will he have to tell???

Strong Wind / Sound Sleep.

Baby Gus knows many new tricks. He says "Hi" at least 300 times a day. Over and over again. He growls and bites. He crawls and stands and eats dry Cheerios.

We took him for a long walk in Elysian Park. A beautiful day! My favorite new trick by far is his ghoulish laugh and 'evil face'.

UNREAL!

Reel Around The Fountain.

I am happy to be home..Home FEELS like home.

David J. Stone!

Andrew Clark! Andy and I are going to the Pantages to see Irving Berlins 'White Christmas'!

Ingrid Allen! She couldn't handle the dude/pizza/bloodbath going on in the living room.."No artistic value!" she said..

Free! Like A 30th Century Man.

I hardly did anything today , or all week for that matter. I sat by the fireplace and ate pie and marveled at my parents new house. I pined for things that don't exist and I watched zombie movies. Tomorrow I go home.

I want to live here in the woods half the time. I don't want to do it alone though. I don't want to be the solitary mountain man , made bitter by the big city. I LOVE the big city! I just want a combo. By February I will have a rented a house in Echo Park and an apartment in New York , so the cabin fantasy will have to wait for a little while anyway. SO. Seattle , I will be back in December for two weeks. The axes were repaired today and I will be chopping with a vengeance on return!

Scenes From A Thanksgiving Dinner

Chow down!

Drink up!

Mom and Dad!

Time for bed!

Rise Above / My War

"I was born with a bottle in my mouth!"

I Tell You I Love You , And I Always Will.

Thanksgiving morning.

I made the breakfast feast.

For the next three hours Nick and I chopped wood. Dad played with his chainsaw and made a mess.

I broke two axes. One in half. Brutal!

And now there is a ferry boat crossing the Puget Sound loaded with friends , on thier way here for the feast and the four pies..

Set Yourself Free / Believe In Magic.

Aboard the Wenatchee ferry to Bainbridge Island , and to the woods where it is all fireplaces and tea and tall tall trees.

Everything that my Mom and Dad own has a name. This table saw earned the name 'Beastmaster' after it cut my Uncles thumb off. From that day forward my Uncle has been called 'Thumbelina' by the whole family , even his kids.

This is the few from my Dads shop. See that truck? He ran himself over with it a few years ago and broke his pelvis in half. The Dewitt side of the family is wicked accident prone.

It's beautiful here. I read a book about growing up poor in depression era Prince Edward Island today , I listened to pre-war gospel records and moved a pile of lumber with my brother.

Lonely. Always.

My Guy.

It is 5:27 a.m. and I am posting yet another picture of Rene because I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. Also , my flight takes off in two hours or so. Seattle , I am coming for you with an open heart and a lot of wool.

Constantly Pregnant.

Little Nate Harrington sent me his photo zine ' Constantly Pregnant' in the mail and it made my day. He is truly a sweetheart. Contact him and place an order , probably for no more than 2$. weakdays@hotmail.com

Also , the new Earth record is beautiful. If only I could be snowed into a remote cabin with this record. That would be perfect. Earth + a hopelessly desolate and freezing location = AWESOME.

Anna @ Pho.

Breaking all the rules , we went to the Grove and saw Harry Potter on opening weekend. Considering the torture it was to mingle with the masses so intensely we knew it had better be good.

It was!

The Green Grass Of Home.

Man! My lawn became beautiful while I was away! I am leaving again on Tuesday.Who knows what plant magic will occur while I am not looking this time!

Harry Potter tonight. Whoop Whoop!!

In The Soap That Never Ends.

Thats right. "Bewar Of Mumes!"..What you cannot see is the awesome purple mummy that you are meant to 'bewar' of..

Of course moments later I encountered a quilt made of real ones.

And a heartbreaking suicide note.

I guess it was too much dreaming , too much to hope for.

Went with Sage to Lil' Frankies for dinner.

There was a little indie rock waiter guy there who was making it hard to sit still. He was looking at me with aggressive lust in his eyes! Dude! Save it for the leather daddy bar and work on your subtlty! Geez!

Another long walk after dinner to some group show. It's cold as hell and i've gone out more in a week than I have all year. Enough! I am tired of socializing!

So is Sage , but he doesn't get to leave tomorrow like me. New York , thank you. I needed a week like this. Friends , I will be back in December. Mom and Dad , I will see YOU on Tuesday.

Goodnight and goodbye.

Honk If You're Lonely Tonight.

If you were to make a list of ten of the more underrated and important figures in [un]popular culture you certainly wouldn't want to leave EYE off of it. EYE of the other-worldly Boredoms. The last Boredoms show made me CRY. So when Aron called to ask me to meet him at EYEs latest art show I was there , and I was there on time. His side project 'The Lift Boys' played and the tiny room was packed.

At one point Aron and I were talking to the Wendy and Amy Yao and realized that in this tiny crowded room that all four of us had gone to the same high school and that we had all defintely made it out!

We are the lucky ones. Fuck you Calabasas High.

Eye drew pictures on everyones records.

And young Milo was wicked pissed when it came time to go. I'm sure his night turned out better than our movie going experience. 'Breakfast on Pluto' was god awful and being the people pleaser that I am I felt guilty the entire time..Like , how can I ever repay these 2 hours to 5 people??

Teasing PJ and platters of perogie and blintz and coffee wiped it all away.

And we all agreed at the end of the night. We should ALL have a 'Skull Buddy'. Mine is James Ross. You better get yours , and choose wisely. Preferably someone who is likely to die before you.

Goodnight , goodnight , goodbye.

True Love Meets The Rockers Uptown.

This morning we found ourselves over on 9th ave. and 14th. I walked over to this door and was flooded with beautiful visions of youths' folly. You see , 14 years ago when I was a just a wee lad with a rapidly growing drug problem , this was my front door. It's the door to a MEAT LOCKER. It had a slanted floor with a drain for blood , a steel door and concrete windowless walls. I lit my dresser on fire in that tomb! I scratched myself raw for two months in that bunker , and when I FINALLY went to the clinic the good doctor informed me that I had both scabies AND measles.

OH TO BE 17 FOREVER!!

Oh look! PJ got a haircut!

We met both PJ and his brother David for a late lunch before heading up to the Whitney for the Ed Ruscha opening. There was also a room full of new Pettibon mind blowers.

AND

Mark and Lauren came to meet us. They are my favorite new friends I think. Both very funny and sweet and creative.

This is Eddie and Francesca.

Another favorite pair. They put me and all my friends on the list at the Whitney. How awesome is that? Being on the guestlist at a major museum is surely better than being on the list at like, an Interpol show. Teenagers be patient. Mostly , life gets better.

Yes it was a grand affair. That is until someone slipped poor Lauren a 'lude'.

We quickly got her into a cab and went downtown to 'Supper'. Once again I sat and had a feast that lasted well over two hours. Totally crushing. Spinach gnocchi! Tiramisu! This week I have died. Everyday I die and every night I wind up in food heaven.

Holy Crap!!

Oh You Pretty Things!

Another lovely and gluttonous 2 hour meal. When you are surrounded by people you adore and steaks and creme brulee' you had better pay attention. It means life is good and only a total pig or basket case wouldn't appreciate it.

I believe that fantastic things are coming.

'I'm closer to the Golden Dawn.'

What Are We Coming To? No Room For Me, No Fun For You.

Bryan Ray , you are loved.

Are You...Singing?!

I don't care what anyone says , 'Pride and Predjudice' is a delightful movie!

Natalie Haddad , you are my sister. When we are together that Antony song ' you are my sister' bumps around my brain.

And PJ dear , you need some sunshine and a taco.

Seriously!

Stretcher Case Baby

Central Park is all that in fall. Worthy of the songs and all the talk talk talk. If you can do it , go spend the whole day there. Penguins and roasted nuts and piles of leaves and...

MIMES.

Brother Reade played their first NYC show and it was , of course , fantastic.

Jimmy 'BABY' Jael.

Schillers was where the meal of doom took place. Bryan , Camille , Natalie and Anico are all rulers.

And I am found.

Look Around...Do You See Anything You Like??

I just ate a truly epic meal that included but was not limited to-
Macaroni & cheese with bacon!
Fish & chips!
Sausage rigatoni!
Eggplant parmigian!
A carmelized banana split!!

Tomorrow we look at apartments. It seems I will be needing one a couple of weeks a month.

Holy crap!

Laughing In My Grave.

Buried.

Salad Days.

Bryan and I got in super late and instead of going out we bought a jar of the worlds most incredible mustard and what were possibly the best pickles i've ever had , made sandwichs and fell asleep. We are starting our epic walk NOW in Greenpoint , and I will apologize ahead of time to my feet.

Blackout Waiting To Happen.

Lookit Carstens and Hansen look at each other. Cute.

Ate cake with them , walked over to the Echo to see the Future Pigeon.

This afternoon I leave to NY for a week. Whenever I go to NY in the last few years it seems like I spend the whole trip walking around by myself. So hey , it's Fall and in Central Park the leaves are changing. A good time for a walk.
And a visit with the penguins. And a talk with the cavemen in the Natural History Museum.

etc..

TACO NIGHT

We had all just finished our tacos and were discussing relationships when my brother looked at Leslie and said-
"Whatever you do , don't get married. Marriage crushes the spirit. Right Honey?"
"That's right dear."

!st Night In The Stoney Lonesome.

There he is , my old friend Blackie. Last night he got arrested on 5th and San Julian buying crack and heroin. He is already on probation , so this probably marks the beginning of a long stint in the can. Xmas in jail. I am happy that Blackie is at least not dead , and I am real happy that my business down on San Julian is many years behind me.

Be careful in there 'wood.

I Took A Hammer To It All.

So it seems that Creepy Chris is the culprit. Anthony won't know until tomorrow whether or not he has to go under the knife. Cross your fingers for the boy! And Creepy , maybe you shouldn't 'slug' your friends in the 'sac' anymore.

Arlie and Smart Kevin smashed my brain last night. Over a two hour dinner/rot at the Brite Spot they told me about a book from the 13th century by , they think , Beroul , called 'Tristan and Iseult'. It seems that this book introduced the idea of romantic love to the world , that prior to its release romantic love DID NOT EXIST. So this feeling and this dream of romantic love that most of us have is manufactured? False? I looked around and found a modern version called 'We' by Robert A. Johnson. This calls for an investigation.

Holy crap.

How Can I Love You If You Won't Lie Down?

Maria Schneider is the new black.

I was just riding home with Rene from my third movie and popcorn/junior mint dinner in as many nights and realized for the first time in nearly three months that everything is going to be ok , that I cannot control any outcome and that the world still holds possibility.

It was fleeting , it was sweet , and it will be back. I am still not bitter and I am still not jaded.

And that's a relief.

Ack , again.

A shitty photo and a cheap laugh. Totally uninspired. A real live storm is supposedly headed into Los Angeles tonight. I hope it levels Hollywood.
Right now life is seconds and inches , seconds and inches.

Every minute counts.

I am serious.

Lets Not Kid Ourselves , It gets Really , Really Bad.

My therapist , who is in his 70s and often speaks like a juvenile delinquent from 1955 totally blew my brain apart today. He made me blush! His language today was total teenage raunch. I wish I had been seeing him for years instead of just this month. He lays it down in english and I walk away understanding.

Viva Martin!

Set me FREE.

As far as I can tell , I am getting out of this town on Saturday , and I am going to try and stay gone for two weeks. First New York , then Seattle. Will this headache that throbs and throbs be joining me?

I hope not.

If Only It Were That Easy.

And to my great friend Annie I say "Thank you , but no." Getting 'pillverized' would only make it it worse.

Thank you for listening Hardy!

I Am In A K Hole!!

Time with the family will wake me up.

It will bring me back to life.

And then when I can walk and talk and Baby Gus goes to bed , Mom and I can go to the movies.

So it will go.

True , Unfortunately.

"I'd rather live in a trash can , than see you happy with another man."

Punks In The Beerlight.

Here is Hopper getting ready to lay into the Suicide Girls. We are at Truly Vegan and Betsy almost walked in , saw me , and went somewhere else. That's where we're at. Avoidance. Easier , less uncomfortable.
Obviously awful.

So. To the show. The shitty show with the drunk SGs' and the soft and creepy men following them around. My only solace was my old friend Erik who has the dubious honor of being the man who introduced me to heroin when I was 16.
Thanks a lot Erik!
I couldn't even watch the show. It is all so ugly and awkward.

Back accross town for another bizarre event , the Jabberjaw reunion party. Jabberjaw was an all ages club that changed my life at 16 [like Erik did , but in a more positive way] and there is a book detailing its sordid history in the works. None of the old gang see each other anymore , so it was more of a group catch up. Tonight was a little much. Not bad , it's just a lot of going out and socializing for someone who is finally comfortable staying in and eating ice cream.

Goodnight , goodnight.

I Love You To The Max!

Look at that! It's Arlie Carstens! A man who may be more depressed than I have been! Viva Ghost Wars!!

Hopper is back in town. She is here to write an article about the Suicide Girls. Poor Suicide Girls!! To have Jessica Hopper , known feminist , who simply will not stand for any baloney , write about punk strippers...They will have to answer questions about the patriarchy , and they will not have ever heard the word. We are going to their show tonight and I will get to feel bad about the world for another night.

The new Silver Jews record is great.

The rest of my world can go do a swan dive off of a tall tall building.

Survival Tools.

Put the phone away. Don't pick it up!
Endless episodes of The Sopranos.
James Ellroy and Raymond Carver.
Understanding.
Patience.
Faith.
And hope , always hope.

Plans.

Drink water.
Eat the free candy at work.
Listen to Joan Didion talk.
Day dream about repair.
Forgive.
Day dream about the future.
Sleep as much as possible.
Overbook my waking hours.
Understand why.
Stay Alive.
Remember.
Survive.

Change And Growth And Loss.

Instant No Wave , Just Add French Homework.

Look at my brand new knife! Look at the size of it! Look at how uncomfortable Betsys' hand is! She hates that thing!

So last night was Halloween. We did nothing. We stayed inside. It was , I am certain , the right thing to do. While I love the accoutrements of Halloween , skulls , ghosts , severed limbs , etc.. , I can't take what it does to people. It is the one day every year where the stupid are given permission to act even stupider. I know this for sure , I have worked in bars the last SEVEN years in a row. It is always an ugly thing at 2am , watching grown men dressed as ducks and Napoleons fist fight in the street , drunk and crying.

As the reports started flooding in on my phone around midnight , of who was doing what and who was drunk and who was angry I breathed a sigh of relief as I looked around at my safe apartment and turned the TV up louder to drown out the sirens.

I will clarify a couple of things for anyone who attended the REAL last Mean Reds show last night. It seems young Anthony was none to pleased that I didn't show up for this final hurrah. So no matter what he says , or how loud he said it , I am NOT his Dad , and I have NEVER killed anyone.

Really Anthony , you are SO silly sometimes.