i wish god were alive to see this

I Wanna Live / Lets Talk It Over.

Various weekend happenings.

Baby brother Nick and his band Pretty Girls Make Graves were here all weekend. Their show was packed with emotional and sullen teens , as usual. I have been on three tours with them in as many years and their fans never change , it just seems like there are more of them.
Up with grouchy teenagers!

This morning Betsy and I went on an epic walk. Check out our shoes!

Mine were a gift from Nick. This was my first time wearing them and sometime during the walk I stepped in the worlds biggest pile of DOGSHIT. I didn't notice until I walked into my house. That is the second time this has happened this week. It's not funny God. Betsy thinks I am an unlucky shit-stepper.

There is nothing I can say about this beautifully carved pumpkin that the explanatory note doesn't say already.

So then seemingly out of the sky NINE friends and family members dropped in and requested to be fed. We decided that Gus had already had enough.

It brought out my social anxiety trying to feed and entertain , but the group photo was worth it.

Nick practiced his kick flips on the lawn. Like an old man or a frightened child would.

In the end it seems he did the right thing by staying off the pavement.

TOGETHER

Totally out of control on a Friday night. I drank TWO bottles of water and Betsy drank an ENTIRE can of Coke.

She is the absolute best.

WOLFPACK / UNITED BLOOD

It could be cold every night for 1000 nights in a row and for every one of those 1000 nights Betsy would forget to wear a sweater or a jacket. She would exclaim that she was warm in the afternoon , and warm inside the apartment , and who knew it was going to be cold anyway? This means I get to offer her something warm and this also means I get to chuckle to everytime I look over and see her in my Judge hoodie. Judge were a band from NYC in 1988 or so and the lyrics were hyper militant straight edge and the fans of Judge were all known meatheads always ready to fight. One night some freaked out old punker dude couldn't wrap his pea brain around the frail and lovely girl in the Judge hoodie. I really want to teach her the words to 'Wolfpack' , and I want to here her sing them!

I Am Going Upside Your Head.

In the last 12 hours there has been smoothies and coffee and perogies made in the kitchen. There has been story telling and laughter and french films ending sooner than we thought they would. There were Jimmy Reed records played books read. Most of all there was a feeling of genuine calm and happiness.
A little bit at a time it seems things are getting better.

Brothers.

About A Chicken Suit.

24 hours in pictures. Incomplete! As I walked down Broadway last night a nice looking middle aged man offered me heroin. I was dressed in my old man clothes and walking with Hunter and Lily who are 15 and 12 years old.

What the hell? And then to Cliftons for a birthday dinner and dessert.

This morning my baby brother Nick and life partner Rene came over. We went and picked up pumpkins to take over to Andrew and Annas for the French toast breakfast pumpkin carve a thon.

Nick carved this one. He dubbed it the 'Cool Dog'.

Rene carved a masterpiece himself!

So then we drove over to see my nephew Gus and bring him his first jack o lantern. Apple and Anton were going to be there as well so we could all drink tea and celebrate their engagement. What we didn't know was that Gus would be relaxing in his chicken gear.

Seriously Gus!

As if that wasn't enough he showed off his new frog suit as well. Whatever with all your cool clothes.

He was Deeply feeling his pumpkin. His first Pumpkin.

IMMORTAL , INVISIBLE.

From hopefulness to hopelessness and back again..Still VERY interested in some consistancy! I do hope to meet my long lost friend again soon! Consistancy where are you hiding??

Goodform sold five of my paintings this week. That seems awfully strange.

Oh To Be 32 Forever!

The Hold Steady made me smile. Given current circumstances I am impressed!

ALSO. Jessica Hopper is an AMERICAN.

I Believe Anita Hill.

My old pal Jessica Hopper just arrived for a 24 hour visit with me. When we met she was a 15 year old riot grrrrl and I was 20 year old crossdresser. Tonight it's the Hold Steady show and lots of forced high fives and fake laughter with my buddies. I feel like I will not utter a real laugh for some time. The eclipse of optimism is upon me. BUT, it is nice to see that funny lady whom i've known for 13 years . Jessica Hopper , I salute you and your silly shirt.

P.S.

If you need a reminder or something to look at every so often to lift your spirit , what I want is always the same..

I want to hold your hand and I never want to let it go.

We Will Be Gone But Not Forever.

Bad feelings and ugly , stupid , jealous and tantrum-esque conversations. This has to happen? Am I naive to think that even in the midst of all of these problems that we are all better off just being loving and supportive? Is this healing or is the damage just piling up? It doesn't feel healing. I know from past experience that change can be very painful but Christ! I want to help and I want to build positive feelings and I want to be nurturing.

Can I possibly lift someone up when I spend a good portion of my time hating myself?

My values are all fucked up. I have lied to myself and others and minimized my actions for years. This is about actions , because no matter how true my heart my actions have betrayed it. I am over it. I am through lying to myself and others. What I have faced in recent times and will continue to face for the forseeable future makes my old fears seem like nothing. This is happening right now , all the time , every waking moment.

It is incredible the things you learn. It is incredible what emotions can do to you physically. Also , I am getting a little tired of being so angry and hateful towards myself. How can anyone feel comfortable around someone who hasn't forgiven themselves yet?

So today , that's what I am going to try to do. Stop hating myself.

Because if Gus likes me I can't be THAT bad.

Here We Are Nowhere.

Signs that you might just be depressed again.
Laying in bed unable to sleep or move.
Forgetting to eat.
Never getting hungry.
Uninterested in leaving the house.
Uninterested in answering the phone.
An inability to pay attention to anything.
Can't read. Can't watch movies.
Can however , sit still and wait.
What the hell am I waiting for?

GUIDING LIGHT.

We are stuck waiting outside the gates.
We are unable to cross the threshhold.
We cannot let go of all the stuff we have accumulated that's getting in our way.
We don't know how to begin. We don't know how to act.
Still I don't believe we are that out of touch.
It is so close! I can see it!
Look!

I Show You The Door.

I am somewhere new and I have no idea how to navigate through it. I am cracked. I feel like I am going to throw up and I feel desperate. You have no idea. You can't hear me. You can't see what I see. Not the way you're looking you can't. Not from you're vantage point. I thought you were with me. I was wrong.

It's a full moon. I want to be somewhere else. I want to stop the cycle.

INFLATED TEARS

So my art show , I wouldn't exactly call it 'fun' , but it wasn't too stressful and I have plenty of nice and supportive friends. It always feels bad to me , the day of an event like that. I spend the whole night waiting for the moment I can leave , and the only real ecstatic moment comes as I drive away..But look!

My friend Babel came and she showed me her latest 'Face Trick'.

And here is Betsy out on the town with another man!

So yes , to my friends I say thank you! I am glad you could attend my ' Hopelessness and despair' show. I hope I never have another.

There is a lot more I want to talk about . Today in particular. I am waiting though. It's a courtesy , a respect of privacy if you will. I will say that in a five minute time span I can go from depression to joy to anger to crippling confusion and back again. I will also say that after much thought and deliberation and disscussion I am in love. Still. And I am certain that that is a good thing , outcome be damned.

BIG BIG PROPERS TO MY LIFE PARTNER ANTON!

After months of questions and nervous planning , my friend of 18 years , Anton Schneider asked his girlfriend Apple Via for her hand in marraige. I love it. I love them both and can't wait for the wedding day. Congratulations to them.

Get a load of those DIAMONDS! HA! I am impressed Anton. I can remember many years when your hustle was not even CLOSE to approaching the purchase of genuine DIAMONDS!!

It Wont Be The Same Without You , Please Come.

Tonight at Goodform , Drawings by Erin Garcia , photos by Claire and Jeremy Weiss , and paintings by me. One night only , so come on.

Together At Last And This Is Our Wedding.

The Mean Reds played at the El Rey last night.

I almost didn't make it. I'm glad I did though. They are breaking up , like , right now , and last night was probably the last time they will play a proper show. As soon as they stepped on the stage I felt my usual swell of pride and something else I hadn't counted on..Sadness. I thought of seeing them for the first time three years ago , accidentally , in a crummy field in outer Tucson. I thought about taking them on the road for their first time and stopping the van to swim in every river/lake/pond we could find. I remembered the first time they played in NYC , the time they were flown to Japan , the way I was always so proud of them for never , never doing anything that they didn't want to , and always following their vision. An unwashed and often sickening vision , but still , it was theirs'. Under near constant pressure to bend and become more palatable , more SELLABLE , they were always themselves.

Here is Anthony , kneeling in front of a mob of meatheads who are threatening him with a severe beating.

To the Reds , I am happy we did it all. I am proud of you , and after all is said and done , you are my friends.

A Penny Wise A Pound Foolish.

Anthony Anzalone would you PLEASE take better care of yourself?

I Love You More Than Even One More Day.

I rarely regret dropping out of high school. I have had a lucky and interesting and rich life so far. I sometimes feel jealousy when I hear people talk about college , but it's mostly because I can't relate and don't have that experience. Today though I am thinking , would a formal education have disciplined my thinking? Would I have an easier time making sense of things? I desire focus right now,the ability to prop things up and figure them out one at a time until they are all lined up neatly with answers. Would college have given me that skill? With so many questions and such non-linear thinking there is nothing I can do but lay down and read and not answer the phone. I'm sure the answers will come , and i'm sure I can't predict them , and I am certain they won't come from anywhere I am expecting them to.

And Now?

How do we get from here to there?


That's the big question of the day!

Finest Hour

My Mom sent my Brother and I our Grandfathers memoirs. He is 90 years old , Ainsley Dagg , and his memoirs are only 50 pages? He flew a bomber in WW2 for the Royal Canadian Airforce and married a code cypher , Daphne Dagg , my Grandmother , and all he comes up with is 50 pages? Come on Grandpa , give us some more! You talk a lot about the 'Dirty Thirties' and the job you were lucky to have at the hardware store , and yes , your 'chums' did play some funny tricks on you , but you are more than 50 pages. He went duck hunting with some old friends just this last weekend and the squeaky sound of his WHEELCHAIR kept them from getting close enough to get a good shot. That right there is a 20 page chapter!

What We Talk About When We Talk About Love.

I read 10 chapters of the new Joan Didion book between midnight and 3am.

Sit Right Down And Make Yourself Uncomfortable.

I am one sore puppy. Phisically sore. I hope I am getting sick. The idea of laying in bed/couch for two or three days with 10 documentaries and all my latest books and my new sketchbook that I have high , high hopes for sounds great right now. I will rest and rest and emerge a force to be reckoned with , but for now I feel quite shell shocked from the past six weeks.

First therapy ever is on wednesday and not a moment too soon!

Things are good , things are hopeful , things are better than I could hope for considering certain circumstances. Still though , certain things , certain moments bring me all kinds of fear and discomfort..It doesn't have to stay this way. We can do anything we want and our wildest dreams can come true. Are you in?

Check out these little theives-

They stole that 5 from me and taunted me with it. They were threatening violence and calling me 'Lady'.

Little jerks.

Life On Earth.

Baby Gus was dropped off at my house for a few hours of funtime with his favorite uncle. It didn't start off very smoothly!

Soon enough though he was back to feeling like his old serious self. He is starting to look a little like Winston Churchill don't you think?

Screeching Screaming Heavy Metal Dinner.

I remind you , and I remind myself , unless you LIKE to eat dinner while the staff plays the worlds worst music at deafening volume , do not go to the Brite Spot on Saturday night..It can ruin your grilled cheese.

Play It As It Lays.